5 Ways to Beat Your Kids at Video Games

I really enjoy a good gaming session with my lad, but it’s becoming more and more frustrating. There are several games he’s better at than me, and he’s only seven years old! So how do you beat your kids at video games? Here are my five top tips on gaining the advantage and vanquishing your smaller foes. Prepare to be owned, tiny human!

Tape Fruit to their Face

To be honest, you could probably tape anything to your kid’s face and have the same benefits. A cloth, some wood, other children. The possibilities are endless.

As it stands, I happened to have fruit handy because, you know, five a day and all that. In fact, when you’ve creamed them at Smash Brothers you can all partake of a healthy snack. Pictured here are a banana and avocado, health init.

My son with a banana taped to his face

Give them a Broken Controller

OK so maybe not as broken as the one in the picture. But cheating you say? Character building, that’s what I call it. If you have a controller somewhere that’s given up, hand it over to your sprog and challenge them to a playoff.

If need be, just claim to be stopping their character from moving with your practised mind powers. It certainly can’t hurt to try this at least a few times.

Broken gaming controller

Put Socks on their Hands

There’s a 73.926794% reduction in button pressing accuracy associated with sock adorned hands. I surveyed nearly 74 million dads to arrive at that figure, in a gruelling research program that’s been running since 1874.

Opposable thumbs are, after all, the only thing that separates us from manatees. I won’t judge you if you use your smug face while winning with this method.

My son with socks on his hands

Invert their Controls

My son’s brain nearly trickled out of his ears in the effort to win with inverted controls. As ways to beat your kids at video games go, this one might just be the most devious.

There’s no reason for them to suspect anything as long as you’re willing to do a little preparation in the settings menu. We dads are evil, aren’t we?


Tickle Torture

This one is an undisputed classic. Simply punctuate your gameplay with random periods of tickling, preferably one handed so you can continue to progress on screen.

You need no special equipment, though I find variety is the spice of life. Try different tickling implements, a feather duster, the cat, your beard, your wife’s beard. Too many options to list here.


How to Beat Your Kids at Video Games

There are my five top recommendations, I hope they’re of help in your struggle against the rising prowess of your sprogs. While we’re at it, here are my five favourite games if you’re interested, some of which the boy himself now loves.

If you think you’ve got any better ideas, share them in the comments. I need to up my game.

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Virtual Wombat

Hi, I'm Aaron. I'm a full time working dad and a student studying Physics in Sheffield. This blog is an account of my adventures as a busy, working mature student.

4 Responses

  1. Katykicker says:

    Haha this is a brilliant post. Inverted controls – now THAT is awesome!

  2. Tony says:

    Haha, I’ve done number four. My kids play like that exclusively now O.o

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